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A Motherless Engagement

Moving forward without her is hard. We’re going on our 3rd Christmas without my mom and I can’t say it’s gotten any easier than the first one. She had a way of making it look so effortless. Today, everything feels a lot like work.. I guess a glimpse into the efforts she put forth for years. Flashbacks pop up when I least expect them. Her crazy singing, her laugh.. the way that she spent her last two years unable to eat and still did it all for us anyway.

We try to get in the spirit but it’s not the same. Our biggest saving grace for the last 2 years was getting to spend time with her first grandchild, my nephew.

I still find myself traumatized by the loss. It was slow and painful, yet still seemingly sudden. It still hits me hard at random. A few weeks ago I impulse purchased an entire display of cardinal throw pillows because they reminded me of her. Then I cried the whole way home. Something as simple as labeling a Christmas card “mom” for TJ all but ruined my day as I realize, yet again, what I’ve lost and will never get to experience again. Mine is gone and irreplaceable. I don’t get the privilege of sharing my photos with her anymore.

I recently read a thread of fellow motherless daughters sharing their coping mechanisms. Unsurprisingly, every single response included therapy and/or medication but the ones that struck me the most were the ones who said they refuse to move on at all. As I sit here, finally engaged, I can honestly say I know where they’re coming from. The hurt is unlike any other and I’ve felt the feeling of not wanting to leave her in the past, not wanting to celebrate anything without her. At the same time, I know that would make me even more depressed and my mom would be so disappointed if I remained at a standstill for the rest of my life. Planning a wedding without her will be really hard. Getting through the day will probably be even more difficult. She loved a good party and she would have loved this.

Inevitably, there’s always going to be something missing but a stagnant life isn’t living at all. 🖤

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