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Wish You Were Here

Losing a mom isn’t just the physical loss of a loved one but also a mediator, organizer, nurturer, confidant, advisor & so much more. I can’t count the number of times i’ve thought “i wish mom was here to resolve this.” Misunderstandings explode without the one person that’s able to extinguish them. We’ve had to learn to be a family of 5 & so far we’re pretty bad at it. Our family isn’t what it used to be & it sucks. Instead of communicating, assumptions pile up. The latest: that i “inherited” the crew & am “profiting” off of them. For my mom & I, the crew was our “thing.” Together we raised these dogs, paid for, trained them, etc. When she got sick, all of that fell to me & i gladly took over. Not only did nobody else step up (excluding tbone) but she knew that would be the case as her dying note to me expressed her understanding that caring for all of the dogs by myself may be too much to handle. I guess between the selling of calendars, tshirts & the occasional litter it may seem like i should be “rolling in it” but that could not be further from the truth. I can’t remember the last paid sponsorship i accepted. Any money from litters & merch goes directly to the dogs while i’ve spent the last 2 years trying to get my shit together & apply to grad school. I get it, it seems like a super long time to grieve but that’s what i needed. Had i never quit my job to be her caregiver, i’d surely be in a much different position right now. I live responsibly & do what i have to do to give the crew the lives they deserve. I don’t take advantage. I started selling calendars & shirts simply because people asked for it. Even so, i couldn’t stomach the “suggested” selling prices so i lowered them as much as i could. To give you an idea, yesterday i spent $600 on just necessities for the crew. It will last me 3 weeks. So while i know none of you are looking for this explanation (& the one who is won’t bother to read it), i’m saying it anyway: the crew is not a “business.” They’re my babies and my connection to my mom. I take/share their pictures because i enjoy it. Life isn’t about money it’s about spreading happiness & enjoying time with the ones you love. Try it sometime. 🖤

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Nov 20, 2020

This was so well written and heartfelt. I have tears in my eyes. How blessed you are that you had such a wonderful, strong, loving and kind mother. How blessed your mom was to have you for her daughter. Your love and devotion to her is so wonderful to read about. You are a one in a million daughter. I know how much your mom loved, (still does), you and how much she never wanted to leave you. How blessed she was to have you as her caregiver. It breaks my heart for you that your family is treating you this way. Death can certainly bring out the worst in families. I marvel at all you have achieved and the…

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